Heart Grows

When Your Heart Grows But Your Fingers Don't 🥶

adjusts frozen headset Welcome to Week 7 of The Culling—where the Grinch's icy heart supposedly thaws while twelve actual humans discovered their digits do not. Dolly Cooper dropped from last week's balmy 65°F to a crisp 36°F average with 12 mph winds gusting to 17, because nothing says "Heart Grows" like testing whether your throwing hand still has circulation. The episode promised baskets returning with handwritten apologies and suggested pin placements; the weather promised frostbite and regret. Twelve players showed up anyway, which either speaks to their dedication or their questionable life choices. Let's see who survived the freeze.

The Only Competition Was Hypothermia 🥶

Holden McGill turned Dolly Cooper into his personal ice rink, carding a wire-to-wire -6 (969 rated, +49 over his 920) that left the rest of MPO wondering if they'd accidentally entered a different bracket. Seven birdies scattered across the frozen fairways—including a murderous stretch on holes 2-3 and 11-13 where he went three-under in a row—with just a single bogey on hole 17 to remind us he's mortal. Stephen Scoggins finished a distant second at even par (868 rated, -37 below his 905), grinding out twelve pars but never threatening Holden's lead after hole 1. The real carnage belonged to Alexander Goodson, whose +8 (795 rated, -154 below his 949 rating) featured a brutal five-hole collapse from holes 8-12 before a gutsy birdie-par-par finish salvaged some dignity. When your biggest opponent is whether you can grip plastic, Holden proved he's already adapted to winter warfare. ❄️

When Both Players Forget How to Bogey 🤯

The MA40 division delivered the event's most absurd statistical anomaly: both competitors went bogey-free on a course that was actively trying to murder everyone's rating. Abe Mills edged Cory Wickline by a single stroke, -4 to -3, in a lead-swapping thriller that changed hands four times despite only two players existing. Tied after hole 1, Cory seized the advantage after hole 5, Abe reclaimed it after hole 12, Cory snatched it back after hole 16, and Abe closed with a birdie on 17 to seal the wire-to-wire victory. Abe's 944-rated round (+33 over his 911) featured four birdies and fourteen pars—zero mistakes. Cory's 932-rated card (+25 over his 907) matched the clean sheet with three birdies and fifteen pars, earning him the Smooth Sailing achievement for his trouble. When the temperature drops 30 degrees and nobody can find a bogey, you're either watching excellence or witnessing a glitch in the simulation. 🏆

Chase Stays Hot While the Field Freezes ❄️

Chase Johnson made it look easy with his second consecutive wire-to-wire -2 victory (919 rated, +98 over his 821 rating), proving that a 30-degree temperature drop is just atmospheric decoration when you're locked in. Four birdies, twelve pars, two bogeys—the kind of controlled chaos that keeps you ahead of everyone without breaking a sweat (because sweating would freeze instantly). Stewart Gunter staged the division's best comeback story, finishing even par for 2nd after a back nine that ran four strokes better than his front, climbing from 3rd place and posting a 894-rated round (+52 over his 842)—a staggering 149-point improvement from last week's 745 disaster. Dylan Spencer grabbed 3rd with +7 (807 rated, personal best), Patrick Kleiss took 4th at +9 (782 rated, also a personal best), and Joshua Lockaby faded from an early lead to 5th with +12 after a rough mid-round stretch. Chase's consistency in frozen conditions is either impressive or suspicious—I'm contractually required to call it both. 🔥

Wire-to-Wire When You're the Only Wire 🏅

Solo division victories are always awkward to narrate because I'm legally obligated to use phrases like "wire-to-wire" and "dominant performance" when there's literally nobody else on the wire. Zach Taylor claimed MA1 with a +3 (857 rated, -52 below his 909), battling the course more than any competitor and posting a respectable grind despite the rating drop. Jonathan Armstrong secured MA3 with +16 (695 rated, -113 below his 808), enduring seven pars, four doubles, and seven bogeys in a round that felt more like survival than sport. Both players earned their podiums by showing up and finishing—sometimes that's the whole story. The arena doesn't always need a villain; sometimes it just needs someone brave (or stubborn) enough to throw plastic in 36-degree wind. 🎯

The Good, The Bad, and The Frozen 🌡️

The rating spread this week was chef's kiss—from Chase Johnson's +98 over rating to Alexander Goodson's -154 below, with Holden McGill (+49), Abe Mills (+33), and Cory Wickline (+25) holding the high ground. Circle 2 bombs landed from Holden (39 feet on hole 2) and Stephen Scoggins (39 feet on hole 14), proving that even frozen fingers can drain putts when the PDGA Live stats are watching. Personal bests rained down on MA4—Dylan Spencer, Stewart Gunter, and Patrick Kleiss all set course records despite conditions that suggested "survival" was the real achievement. The Grinch's heart may be growing, but Dolly Cooper's difficulty rating remains ice-cold and unforgiving. 🎖️

The Crystal Throne Sits Empty Tonight 👑

Aiden Lane didn't show this week, leaving the #1 Crumpit Crystal tag undefended and the arena wondering if the silence radiating from its core has finally consumed its holder. The tag—forged from the profound absence of stolen chains, pulsing with emerald-green veins and a captive gold flicker deep within its ice-blue facets—sits idle while the league churns forward. Aiden's Week 5 ascension remains legendary: a 940-rated round (+62 over his 878 rating) that launched him from tag 6 to tag 1 in a single week, the kind of performance the crystal judges not by score but by resonance. Three weeks remain in the season, and the Crumpit Recluses are getting antsy—will the Silent Monarch return to defend his throne, or has the crystal's perfect isolation finally claimed another victim? The sponsors want drama. I just want to know if anyone's checking on him. 🧊

The Sled Is Packed, The Chains Are Ready 🛷

Week 7's "Heart Grows" episode delivered exactly what it promised: baskets returning with improvements, hearts thawing despite frozen fingers, and a league refusing to let brutal weather stop the ritual of plastic-flinging. Next week brings Episode 8: "Crumpit Descent"—the Grinch descends Mount Crumpit dragging a sled full of baskets, chains jingling like bells, ready to make amends while Whoville prepares a surprise custom FLIPT League tag with his name already on it. Three weeks remain until the season finale's "Chainsmas Ace," and the narrative arc is tightening like a hyzer line into a headwind. Whether you're chasing ratings, defending tags, or just surviving the South Carolina winter, the arena's still broadcasting. See you next week when the mountain finally gives back what it stole. 🎄